Absolution
by hazydaze
Summary: I don’t forgive you, Edward, for the pain. You gave it to me, with an ease that crushed me and took it just like you did my soul. All I have is yours to play with -- do you even care? But the words seemed to catch in my throat... One-shot. Complete.


Title: Absolution

Rating: PG

Characters/Pairings: Edward, Bella, Edward/Bella implied (if you look really hard) Bella/Jacob.

Warnings/Spoilers: A missing scene for New Moon so spoilers up until and during then. I slap a big ANGST sticker on this one but it has a happy ending so it's not all tragic.

Disclaimer: All characters, rights and copyright belong to Stephanie Meyer, I just borrowed them.

Summary: Bella has a harder time forgiving Edward for leaving.

Author Notes: My first full length Twilight fic! I like how this turned out so I'm hoping to do more in this fandom.

Word Count: 1,409

As the months past, my pain grew but with it grew the assurance of its constant presence. Unlike Edward, it would never leave me, it would rub and burn like salt in an open wound from now until eternity. I relied on it, to prove I was still alive, there was still some part of me that was human, human enough to feel the pain.

But just like Edward, he was unpredictable, ripping everything I knew to be true right out from under me. My gaze flickered over his face, no need to memorize the lashes that swept against his cheek as he blinked, no point in staring at the plumpness of his red lips, I knew those features better than my own.

"Bella…" He said quietly. As if he never left his voice poured over me like honey, thick and rich, filling all the holes he had ripped into me when he left.

_I don't forgive you, Edward, for the pain. You gave it to me, with an ease that crushed me and took it just like you did my soul. All I have is yours to play with -- do you even care? _But the words seemed to catch in my throat, as if saying them would send him running back to wherever he had been.

"Edward?" I said simply, unable to keep the hollowness out of my voice. The adrenaline rush of seeing him melted into a memory, my mind finally giving in to the darkness I had been so accustomed to.

He opened his mouth to speak, but like me, I knew the words '_I'm sorry_' just wouldn't come. Maybe he thought them too simple, not enough to soothe the pain he had caused or maybe he just wasn't really sorry. Slowly he reached his hand up to my face, his fingers intent on brushing my cheek but before I could even stop it, I flinched away from his touch. His face was a mask, if there had been any hurt on his face it must have flashed by so quickly my human mind didn't even begin to comprehend it. Edward slowly let his hand drop to his side, I watched the movement more intently than I would have previously, but it was all I could do to hold myself together.

_All I am is broken pieces, super glued back together with a friendship I know you'd never approve of. Ask me, Edward, ask me about Jacob. _ I crushed the thought as soon as it came into my mind. Before, before he left, I would have been above that, using Jacob to inflict pain on Edward. But suddenly a pit of anger welled within me, _why shouldn't he hurt, I did_.

"I love you."

I blinked as I looked at Edward, unsure if I had even heard the words. I had longed to hear them, I had hoped and prayed for them but they seemed so empty now. But they did calm me, they did take away some of the hurt but not enough, it was still there, still inside, crushing me with its suffocating grip. _It's not enough. Why is it not enough?_

"Bella." Edward said to me, as if he didn't believe I was really listening to him.

Looking up at the sky, I finally noticed its twinkling beauty. For so long, everything had been what it was, it held no attraction or meaning for me. Nothing had meaning without Edward. _Do I have to forgive him because I love him? Or even if I love him can I forgive him?_ The seriousness of my thoughts began to send me into a spiral of confusion. How I must of looked to Edward, dazedly staring at the sky then frowning almost too intensely.

I took in a deep breath, pulling oxygen into my deprived lungs and spoke softly, maybe in part so that Edward wouldn't hear me. But with his hearing he would always hear me. "I love you, Edward…" My voice was hoarse, as if unused, cracking over the word love, "…but I don't forgive you."

_Where do we go from here?_, My thoughts clamoured over one and another to tell me what to do. _Take him in your arms, kiss him, apologise, say you were wrong -- __**forgive him.**_

Edward's eyes seemed to hardened before my own, "I understand."

_But you obviously don't._ My mind screamed at me, sending another rush of pain to my heart as if to remind me what it would be like if I let Edward leave me again. The force of it bent my knees, I gasped for breath as Edward was next to me before I took another breath, his hand holding mine, holding me up.

"It hurts…" I all but whimpered, Edward took the understanding to mean my affliction but I knew what I really meant. Everything hurt; being with him, being without him, life hurt me and I was done with it. Scooping me up in his cool arms, Edward whispered for me to close my eyes as he began to run.

A moment later, I was in my room, laid out on my bed, a pair of golden eyes watching me for the slightest movement.

"Bella, are you alright?" His clipped tone beseeched me, as if in those words he was praying for me to be alright.

I nodded, "I'm fine, just…a little off guard."

"Off guard? Your heart was racing a mile a minute." Edward told me, but I frowned, the words seemed strange coming from him. Was it something he had picked up from wherever he went?

_Pain will do that to you_. But again, my lips were silent. "Don't worry Edward, I'm sure it was just random…"

"Nothing is random with you." I looked up to get the full force of Edward smouldering at me. Suddenly, my heart rate was up for a different reason.

"Bella, you have to calm down." Edward told me, concern written all over his beautiful face. _Around you? Never_.

"Well, stop dazzling me." I huffed, my heart lurched suddenly, my mind flashing the memory of the last time I had said that to Edward. Happier times, _much happier times_.

"Bella, your heart…"

"Stop listening to my heart, Edward! It's really…" I wanted to scream. I wanted to throw things, I wanted to feel something break under my fingers because Edward surely never would. Not under my human hands, too perfect to be desecrated by someone so unworthy. Edward tried to pull me into his arms but I punched him in the shoulder, pain laced itself through my knuckle down past my wrist into my arm.

Edward looked at me, his face confused more than anything, "Don't do that Bella, you'll only hurt yourself."

It was like a dam broke inside of me, every feeling I had locked inside came gushing over me, drenching me in my own wallowing. I hit Edward again, this time above his heart, again in the shoulder, I knew if I didn't stop this I'd surely break something but seeing the blood on my fingers made me feel better. It made me feel like I had some kind of release from this punishment.

"Bella…"

_You're not perfect, you still screw up just like the rest of us. You're not a God, Edward Cullen_. It was in the next moment that I realised I could and had forgiven Edward. Edward was just as human as I was, just as breakable and just as wrong. My fingers clutched at the material of his now bloodied shirt. I looked up at him, his face unconcerned at the blood that now stained him, his gaze only wanted to hold mine.

I was now aware that tears streaked my face, wetting my cheeks and dripped down onto my vest. But I didn't care, I flung myself into Edward's arms, not caring that my bloodied hand throbbed in protest. "I love you." I whispered, "I'm sorry… I forgive you."

Slowly, Edward's hands wrapped around and hugged my waist, "I'm sorry too, Bella, it was only you. My love is forever. You have to know that." _And I did. I do_.

So I let Edward sing my lullaby to me as he cleaned my hand, assuring me nothing was broken, laid down next to me as I slept and as I allowed the soothing power of my forgiveness wash away both our sins.

**End**.


End file.
